I wanted to write about how I feel trapped in my current season of life. I feel trapped, sometimes hopeless, definitely confused, and even a little pointless.
Our baby boy was just born in February 2020. I was out of a job because of it. Then, covid hit and my husband lost some hours at work. Our paycheck was cut in half. Our house payment all of a sudden became too much. So we decided to sell our home and make a profit instead of letting it go to foreclosure and walking away with nothing.
Now the problem was, we had a little chunk of change and horrible credit. The housing market was a sellers market which was awesome when we sold our home. We had multiple offers and even some over our asking price the same day we listed it! It was sold within 24 hours. It was such a blessing! But then it was time to buy a new home, in a sellers market, with only a few thousand dollars and no credit for a loan…
So we moved in with my husband’s parents. After 3 months we found a home on an auction and we walked away with a paid off house and a little extra money for renovations!
This house was DISGUSTING. I truly do not understand how someone was living it the way it was. But we got to work right away.
We bought everything we needed out right; flooring, appliances, vanities, lights, you name it. But, there were a few things we did not have enough money for after buying the “most important” things like, drywall, doors, trim, paint, and plumbing.
So as time went on, we had to start living paycheck to paycheck again. Every week we buy something else like a couple sheets of drywall but then we have no more money until the next week. Our next paycheck comes and we buy more pipes for plumbing. We get to work and then run out of supplies and money and have to wait til the next week again.
I know that was a lot but I say all that to say is that here it is, almost 7 months later and we are still living with the in-laws! Our baby boy experienced his first Halloween here, his first Christmas, his first birthday, and soon will be his first real Easter!
I love decorating and changing my house for the seasons and allowing my child to participate and help me. I had a certain environment in mind that I wanted my child growing up in. There are words and actions I dont want said or done in front of my baby. I wanted gospel music playing all day and children’s VBS songs playing through out the house. But living in a home where I do not have control is compromising the things I had planned for his early development.
I feel trapped. I feel defeated. I feel as if my baby is not receiving everything I wanted to pour into him at this age. I also have no liberty in this home. It is not my home so I have to live by other’s rules. There are things I cannot do because I am merely a guest here. Some days I truly feel like a prisoner. And some days it feels as if our home will never be finished because of our finances.
So every day while my son takes his morning nap, I do my best to read and pray. I just recently read about Paul’s experience in Jerusalem and Rome in the final chapters of Acts and it has been so encouraging to me.
Did you know that Paul was in prison for at least 4 years? For 4 years, he lived in a place where he did not want to live. He was surrounded by people who he probably did not want to be surrounded by. He was beat, judged, and constantly watched. He had no liberty and was continuously handed over to new judges and courts.
He experienced everything that I am kind of feeling right now in this season; hopeless, trapped, defeated, and probably confused.
But, he said “I think myself happy” in Acts chapter 26 when he stood before king Aggripa. After being in prison for so long, while sharing his story with king Agrippa, he told him that he thinks himself happy.
I heard that stress comes from wanting to be somewhere that you are not or cannot be. With my current season in life, I do not want to live here anymore and am constantly day dreaming about when our house will be ready to move in. It brings so much stress. But if I can just tell myself “I think myself happy”, just like Paul did, I know these last few months will be less stressful.
What ever season of life you are in, it doesn’t help matters to dwell on what could be when you cannot change what is. For me, doing that has made matters so much worse for me and has caused me so much mental pain. From now on, I will do my best to make the most of the situations life throws at me and think myself happy no matter where I live or what season I am in.
My peace is not in the home I live in. My joy is not in my home. My strength is not where I dwell. But, Jesus is my peace. Jesus is my joy and my strength. If Jesus loves me, it does not matter who does not love me. If Jesus can comfort me, it doesn’t matter who brings me stress. If Jesus is my joy, then it doesn’t matter what season of life I am. As long Jesus is my main source, then I will make it. I think myself happy because Jesus is mine and is everywhere that I am.