By: Sydney Houser
11 months. Almost a year. Long, tiresome, grueling, and draining. Depression. Oppression. You name it, I had it. A battle that had literally won my mind. I couldn’t think straight.. yet alone positively. Negativity ruled my life and thoughts. I spent nights on my face before God. I was upset. My heart was heavy. Some days I didn’t want to move. My thoughts consisted of, “This season is tearing me apart. Why haven’t you broke this spirit on my life God?” Wrecked. I was wrecked completely. Alone. Completely surrounded by the ones I loved most… but yet so alone. However, I got up, somehow managed to smile, and kept moving forward. I tried to avoid social media, due to the fact everyone was posting the great things that God was doing in their life. Yes, I was extremely happy for them. But I was broken and discouraged that I couldn’t get out of my wilderness.
Moses and the children of Israel spent 40 years in the wilderness! That’s right! 40 YEARS! They wandered for 40 years and I couldn’t even wander for 11 months without being discontented. Conviction completely gripped my heart and soul. My attitude completely went from “GET ME OUT OF THIS SEASON!” to “THANK YOU FOR THIS SEASON!!” Yet I was still struggling to fight the battle. But still I kept fighting. I went to Monday night prayer meetings and spent the whole time on my face before God. I went to a 3 a.m. Saturday prayer that changed my life. I was having God moments but still was fighting the battle. I was hurting and broken more than ever.
I went to 2015 Congress heavy hearted and still fighting the battle of my mind. Wednesday night came and gone. Thursday came and I left burdened wanting more… Needing more. I wanted God to have nothing less but all of me. Every part of me. My brokenness, and my wholeness. My happy moments and my sad moments. My successes and my shortcomings. Take it all, God.
Friday night came and I was crying on my face before God simply saying, “Break it.” That’s all I could say. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of faking it till I made it. I wanted deliverance and I wanted it now. Well I got it. I left free of the fight. No longer a slave to depression or oppression. I was victorious. Inside, I was shouting the victory. Outside, I sat in silence. Silent because during those 11 months I learned that it’s when you’re alone and in the wilderness, you have the most intimate time with the Lord. I was glad to be done fighting but I was even more glad for the fight. My constant battle had drawn me closer to my Creator… I had learned to praise through the pain.
So I encourage you tonight.. Whatever you’re facing, it’s for a reason. I may never know the reason I was fighting the battle, but I will constantly be assured that my battle had a purpose. It molded me into an overcomer. If you’re ready to give up as I was, I encourage you to keep moving forward. Most of all, pray through it.
“Be still and know that I am God. . .” Psalm 46:10