By Jessica Miller
I have recently went through a rough patch with my walk with God. There was this recurring sin that I kept committing over and over and it seemed like I couldn’t conquer it and I realized that it was ruining my walk with God and shortly after this, I began to have panic attacks. Every night I would go to bed and I would experience one. At first I thought it was an evil spirit in the house so I started praying, rebuking, and plead the blood on everything and I knew after that, there was no spirit in the house. But I still experienced them, I figure it’s because I would anticipate them and worry about getting one and scaring myself which would cause one to come on again.
I was so confused, I would pray over myself, over my emotions but it seemed like nothing would work and I got very upset. Then one night I was praying and I asked God to speak to me through my daily devotion book. The book is written out as if God is talking to you personally and so as I was praying, I could feel the warmth and love of God’s love and presence and so I asked God to speak to my heart through whatever page I opened this book to and what I read shocked me and took me by surprise.
God revealed to me that I had gotten angry with Him and that I kept getting closer to shaking my fist at Him and as I read this, I realized that it was so true.
I was getting very bitter with Him because I couldn’t find peace at night. He let me know that to be released from this, all I’d have to do is thank Him for my circumstances and when I read that and felt the Lord lay it on my heart, I couldn’t help but wonder, why? I didn’t understand why I should thank Him for this trial that seemed to be pointless and getting me nowhere.
So I started off praying for forgiveness, confessing all the wrong I’ve done and how I felt awful about being angry with Him and then I started thanking Him for my trial even though I didn’t like thanking Him for it. I felt so awful, so unloved, unforgiven, I didn’t know what to do or how to respond.
But a day later, it was time for church! I was so excited because church is the place where God has spoken most to me and has lifted most of my burdens. Before service started, I asked God to reassure me of His love that I’ve been longing for. Then they started singing a song all about God’s love for us and how we can’t contain His love and so I started praying. God began to reveal to me sins that I kept confessing but never really, truly, let go of. So each time a sin would come up, I would lay it down at the altar until eventually I was completely empty of sin and next thing I knew, God was flooding my soul with His spirit as I began to weep and speak in tongues.
I could feel a peace flooding and overflowing my soul and all the songs that followed were about God’s love, and everyone who had the microphone talked about God’s love and one lady who had the microphone said, “I feel in the holy ghost that someone needs to know this, JESUS LOVES YOU!” and I couldn’t help but cry because I knew I was that someone.
Now I have a peace that I haven’t had in a long time and the panic attacks are practically gone. God’s ways are very confusing sometimes but He has a plan and a reason for everything.